A ringing goodbye

There are so many hopes that you support yourself on. So many people you support yourself on. Some you keep even closer. Care for them before you care for you. Leave an extra piece of pie for them, go a little out of the way to surprise them on their birthday, wrap your arms a little tighter around them, just so they feel safer. And ofcourse when you do so, it's the quality of a healthy relationship to not expect back. But there are some things that come unsaid.

I used to be the type of person who got really affected by everything. Did anything just to see that one smile on someone's face. I remember on countless events, surprising people on their birthdays, and getting them tiny gifts, just so they feel special and loved. I did this, because right from the beginning I loved it when people did these things to me. 

You love and you hope. Their twin planks of a personality. A healthy personality. A healing personality, however, on the contrary is taught how to break these twin planks out of your life. It's about how to let go and not depend on. 

And I won't lie. There are days when I feel extremely strong about who I am, and how I behave and how much I love myself. But there are days when I look at a blank wall and break down, wondering what wrong I ever did to not get a surprise birthday party back, or to be loved. I try to be strong, but the heart wants what it wants. It wants warmth that you cannot give yourself. It wants love, that you can only provide so much. It wants care, that you can't do all the time. It wants friendship, to keep it feeling healing. But most of all, it wants sacrifice. It wants unmentioned sacrifice. It wants to feel wanted. 

It's funny how science describes the heart to be an organ that just pumps blood all around the body. Rather funny how the heart takes care of every last cell of the tip of your hair, but there's nothing to give warmth to that poor organ.
Every medical book must say "The heart is the organisational unit of the body". True. Ofcourse it is. But this heart, depends on something no science will ever understand. No physiatric medicine will ever be made. Because no matter how hard we look. Professional help is not what we need. It's not what this broken heart needs. But oh so relentless of it, to want to stop, but yet not be able to. Why is it so hard for every beating heart in this world to have warmth?

Oh and trust me once it does, this pain, this suffering, it's all perishable. It all comes down to that one little birthday surprise, that one little gift, that one little "I believe you", that shining little "I'm here don't worry", that one little "See? I didn't let go", that one little "I got you, don't worry", that little "I'll take us tonight, you've been trying for so long" to really get that heart to a tomorrow. It beats, without fail everyday, every minute, sleeping, awake, till it's last, dying minute.

Don't pain it. Please. Don't pain someone's heart. It takes immense courage for an unguarded, naked heart to get through everyday's time. Please don't break someone's heart. They rely on you. They get used to you. Don't misuse someone's love. Don't take advantage of their eyes. 

Professional help is not what we need. Love is. Warmth is. Depth is. Understanding. Trust. That is what this world needs.